


The Old and The Wicked

by YourAnonymousGod



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alien Biology, Aliens, Angst with a Happy Ending, Elderly ladies, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Husbands, Ianto Needs Taking Care Of, Idk how to flirt, Immortal Ianto Jones, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Sad Jack, Short One Shot, Temporary Character Death, The Elderly Love Him And Jack, Tourist Office
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23011906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourAnonymousGod/pseuds/YourAnonymousGod
Summary: The elderly ladies of Cardiff don't just visit the Tourist Office for leaflets
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 4
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

Ianto Jones quite liked working in the tourist office above the Hub which acted as a cover for one of their entrances. To be honest, Ianto wasn't sure how it was convincing because if anyone watched close enough they would see that the same four people would go in a various times of the day (or even at night when it was closed) and wouldn't return for a few hours or at all. Still, Ianto found he prided himself in how he kept the business up and running while also maintainng Torchwood's hub and was an active field agent. If anything, the Tourist office was the less demanding of the tree tasks and acted more as an place to let himself be himself and chat with people other than the team. Not that he didn't love Jack's flirting, Gwen's oddly exciting gossip, Tosh's technobabble, or Owen's dry humour.

But Ianto could hear such interesting things from the tourists ir the usual visitors that he new didn't need to know about Cardiff Castle or the Brecon Beacons because they already knee and just wanted to see the smartly dressed lad who seemed to know just about everything they needed. Ianto was willing to oblige, not one to turn away an elderly lady in need of some socialising. In fact, sometimes they'd bring him cookies or have their dogs come along which just made it all the more nice.

A steaming cup of coffee sat waiting beside his monitor as Ianto browsed through one of the latest magazines. There were a few nice pictures of a few nice celebrities and the usual tale about someone cheating on someone with their other half's brother. ianto skimmed it all mostly, ooged the naked arse of an unfortunate actor who got caught and despite it being a complete invasion of their privacy Ianto couldn't help himself. It was only fitting that a recipe for glazed buns was printed on the next page.

The little ringing of a bell alerted Ianto to a customer and he looked up with a gentle smile on his face.

Efa Tout. A regular Ianto mostly saw in the afternoons. Aged 67, she lives alone unless you count her two black cats, Jess and George. Slim and tall with shirt greying hair, she wore a cross around her neck with her late husband's wedding ring around another chain. She lived somewhere near the bay and attended church every Sunday despite not giving a toss about the man upstairs. She reminded Ianto of Vanessa from Serenity Plaza except less alien but pretty much the same flirty personality.

"Good afternoon, Ms Tout "

"Prynhawn da, Ianto. And it's Efa dear." She smiled at him as he watched her move towards the brochure stand, aged hands picking up one about ferry boats to the outer islands of the UK. She flicked through it, genuinely reading it before turning to face Ianto. "And how are you?"

"I'm good, Efa, got my coffee to keep me awake and warm in here."

"That husband of yours still around?"

"Unfortunately so." Ianto said with a larger smile, glancing down at the golden band at around his left ring finger. He always felt a little giddy when he noticed it or Jack's identical one on his hand.

"A dreadful shame, all the nice ones are taken, gay, or out of my league. In your case, all three, not that I mind though." Her eye twinkle and her hand briefly touched his but they all knew there was nothing to it.

"Mmm. Don't suggest it to Jack or he might take you up on that and what would Tim think if us then." Ianto gasped with fake alarm as he flipped the magazine shut and hide it from view.

Tim Delaney went to the same service Efa did and unlike the lady, he was very into religion. Lead his life by it. He was also your typical caucasian, heterosexual, middle class male and found he quite fancied Ms Tout. She knew of course and enjoyed toying with him. And as of yet, he was friendly with Ianto and had no idea the polite and well manner Welsh lad was anything more than that.

"Oh you know, maybe he'd drop his cross and join in. Loosen up in his old, wrinkled age."

"Still not for you then?"

"Not when I've got you, Mr Jones." Efa laughed then went and shifted through a few more brochures and leaflets, taking in the notices for new and upcoming events in Cardiff. "Betrys will be popping by, you know how she is." Betrys Howell was different to Efa. Shorter and rounder with amber dyed hair. She had a daughter but last time Ianto spoke to Betrys she was working in Manchester. The woman loved to bake and Ianto swore she was trying to fatten him up.

"Lovely."

"She won't let me have time with the gorgeous man behind the tourist desk on my own."

"I'll always have time for you, Efa"

"And I enjoy every second of it, Ianto."

Efa hung around for longer than an actual tourist would have but Ianto didn't try to kick her out, he didn't mind the conversation even if it was flirty full if double entrandres. Ianto found it amusing that someone of Efa's age could be so mischievous yet nobody could even think of her as that unless they knew her as well as Ianto did. 

By the time his next regular visitor showed up he had helped a Swedish man find the best restaurant in Cardiff and Efa was currently discussing how enticing his rare end was. The bell dinged on its spot above the door.

Before Ianto could look over from his computer, a tray was dropped on top of the neat piles of hand guides to Cardiff and Wales then he was tugged towards a pair of lipstick coated lips. They kissed his forehead dramatically with an audible "mwah" added for emphasis and pressed down a little harder then necessary. Warm and well worked hands squished his cheeks down enough that they forced his mouth to pout out like a fish. 

"Betrys, let the poor boy go, Jack could walk in."

"Mmm, ss'what I'm hoping for." Ianto was released and he felt his cheeks heat up, he straightened his tie to hide his slight embarrassment. Looking at the tray, it held at least a two dozen cupcakes all neatly lined up in their holders with rainbow sprinkles on top.

"You didn't need to make these, Betrys, really."

"Nonsense, you need to be looked after."

"Thank you, then." Ianto discreetly wiped his forehead with the red handkerchief that had previous been folded precariously into his breast pocket. It matched his shirt and Jack had got it monogrammed for him. Meanwhile Efa had snuck forward and began to dislodge the clingfilm around the cakes and reached for one only to have Betrys to slap her hand away.

"Oi-!"

"They're for Ianto and his lovely friends." She explained, either not noticing or not caring to point out as Ianto handed the same one to Efa. The two squabbles for a bit which made Ianto smile before switching to having a friendly conversation about someone or another. They let Ianto work, bringing him into the chat occasionally or just mention him or his handsome face instead. 

The door swung open a third time and a voice boomed over the bell.

"Ianto! Get your-" It was Jack. He cut himself off when he noticed that there was more than one person in the room and probably realised whatever he was to say was not for their ears. His slightly surprised look morphed into his slick, all knowing grin.

"Afternoon ladies." His smile grew to his ears as the two women answered him then the look in his eyes changed as his gaze reached Ianto. "I do hope you're refraining yourselves from my husband here." Betrys spoke up first.

"Oh but Jack, you know how irresistible he is."

"Don't I just. I'm sorry for stealing him away." He said, slipping past them to stand at the desk and nab a cupcake. He scoffed it down in one go, talking as he did yet still managing to look handsome. "In sure we could share him together sometime."

"Don't tease Captain." Efa said, eyes dropping a little lower then acceptable as she look at the Captain in bus navy great coat. She was close enough to slap her hand against his arse, giving it a squeeze through the coat. Jack tensed up for a second before relaxing and laughing.

"Oo! Efa Tout, aren't you a little forward today." 

"You bring out the confidence in me, Jack."

"Mmm, I'm glad. I like a confident lady." He half growled and the elderly lady just waved him off. Ianto's eyes rolled which earned him a quick kiss on the cheek from Jack.

"It was lovely seeing you two again, c'mon Efa, let's leave the young lovebirds to their selves." Betrys left another wet kiss on Ianto's forehead and then gave one to Jack too. It left a faint mark of mauve lips on his tanned skin. Efa took a couple of leaflets with a thanks and then patted her hand back on Jack's arse. It made him laugh again and the two exchanged a few mumbled sentences as he escorted the ladies out and shut the door with a goodbye.

With the two ladies gone, Jack slid behind the desk swiftly and hooked his arms around Ianto's waist, thumbs stroking at his back through the layers of clothes. Ianto smiled up at him and the Captain dipped his head for a kiss. It was sort and sweet and tasted like lemon. Ianto hummed softly, tongue darting out to lick at his lover's lips and savour the taste.

"You really should flirt with them so much." Jack said as they pulled apart, Ianto fixing some paper on his desk while Jack watched. "You might get more than you bargained for one day." Ianto looked at him, a small smirk growing.

"Would you be jealous if it did?" Jack shrugged, eyes following Ianto as he drew closer again and picked up one of the many cupcakes.

"Maybe." Jack let Ianto press him against the desk. "Or maybe I would-" He was stopped, thinking original he would get a kiss. Except he didn't. Ianto had stuffed the cupcake into his mouth with a smug look. Next he kissed Jack's nose.

Then the bell sung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, and Criticism are always appreciated.  
> Tumblr - @Bee_Haw_Yee_Haw
> 
> Everything is also posted on fanfiction.net


	2. And The Alien

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a 2nd part, it was longer then intended lol. Some tags added too

"How was I supposed to know the elderly caucasian, heterosexual, middle class man was homophobic and an alien!?!"

"I thought we knew he was homophobic."

"Jack! That is not the point!"

"But-"

"He's an alien! We knew he was homophobic but not an alien!"

"I know!"

"So, why are we still going on about it then?!"

"You're the one going on!"

Ianto was about to reply when a large, vine-like, and purple limb set him free from where it had successfully pinned Ianto and Jack, on their backs, to the floor. It then scooped him up before he could even react and wound itself around his torso and legs. Ianto's arms were pinned but thankfully it avoided wrapping around his neck and left his head alone as he was hoisted upwards. A soft cry fell from his mouth, unprepared for the sudden movement. His head began to feel heavy and hot as all the blood rushed to it.

"Let him go!" Jack yelled as he fruitlessly fought against the heavy weight holding him down. His gun way a few feet away nearer the door where it had been knocked from his hand. Ianto's own weapon was missing under the mass of the alien. Neither man could get to their comms. to alert anyone from the team and Jack didn't really fancy anyone from the public coming in. So, he fought the creature as best he could

This thing was like an octopus except the number of limbs wasn't limited to eight and even then, each limb had the ability to grow another load of limbs like weird fingers which could also do the same thing. It was rather squished in the small room and Jack could imagine its mass pouring our of the windows and doors like in a cartoon. It was also slimy and Jack could feel it sliding down the back of his coat and stuck in his hair. It made him grimace and he wanted a shower almost immediately. The thought occured to him that that could be their treat if they got out alive (which Jack was determined they would) but first the Captain would have to get his husband free from the alien's hold before he could think of even getting a naked Ianto into the shower with him.

Back to the matter at hand, the alien octopus was none other than Tim Delaney, the apparently friendly Christian man who happened to know Ianto as well as a couple of the old ladies that visited Ianto frequently. Jack knew he was your typical caucasian, heterosexual, middle class who followed Jesus like a cat followed a fisherman after a good haul. What Jack did not know was that he was in fact an alien. He would have been okay with that if he wasn't an alien who happened to really despise same sex couples. 

The old man image was clearly just a disguise because this alien was much more mobile then the guy with the mobility frame and tremor in his hands.

One of the thinner appendages moved its way up towards Ianto's head, tip dragging along his face like a dog might do when it was trying to get a good sniff of something. It made the Welshman recoil, not wanting the thing near him. Then it sprouted into two sections, each growing in length until those too branced off into others. One of the original pair had five smaller, stick thin, grows whole the other hand six., all of which were of different circumferences. Ianto watched them wearily, as did Jack as best he could. The Archivist flinched as one tickled at his ear, touching it just lightly but enough to make Ianto react and try to squish his ear against his shoulder. Only, his shoulder was covered by the purple alien sponge thought best not to.

Another wiggled at his left nostril, making him sneeze and causing then alien to hold into him tighter. A third, much larger than the others, slithered across his bottom lip and it dawned on him. He held his mouth tightly shut. Except, the alien didn't like that and Ianto suddenly felt like an dog toy being squeezed within inches of crushing point. It was impossible for Ianto to expand his lungs to breathe in anymore and the air he had brought it was taken from him. Unfortunately, that meant his mouth too was forced open. And even before the dread settled in, the worm-like limb jammed itself inside and down Ianto's throat. All he could do was gag and choke.

Jack felt his slight annoyance to his husband (which wasn't all that true anyway) switch immediately to rage at the alien as be helplessly watched it. The thing's miniature limbs all split off to work on their own areas. Two settled on his nose, each taking a nostril and sliding up it. They looked like a horrific nasal cannula. An identical pair went for his ears and did the same thing. Which left the last six, which had set their sightless sights on Ianto's eyes. The Welshman's eyes widened in fear, head trying to move away from each vine but failing. Ianto's eyes then fell shut and scrunched up in determination to keep them that way. They tried to pry Ianto's lids open but they were smaller than the rest and found it a challenge with little strength.

However, Jack could see the alien was growing impatient. A bigger appendage extended from one of the many it already had. It joined its clone that held fast around Ianto's body and its end slipped through the gap between each ring. It disappeared inside, hidden from Jack. He had no idea what it was doing but Ianto squirmed even more and to Jack's dismay his eyes flew open. They weren't open long but it was enough time for the alien to latch onto each eyelid with and hold them open. The newer snake limb extracted itself as the final two did their job and slid behind each eye right at the outer corner.

Ianto began to protest around the obstructing limb, sounding in pain and scared. It broke Jack's heart, hating himself for being so useless. He wanted to scream to the alien to let Ianto go, to take him instead, to reconsider killing them. Except, he could tell the thing was in no mood to negotiate.

It didn't take long for Ianto to fall still and have his eyes glaze over.

Jack could only think the worst.

He knew the same fate would come to him only he was more lucky. It would kill him once and then hopefully let their bodies go but only Jack would get back up again. And Jack had no idea how to kill the dastardly thing. He wanted it incinerated, hacked to death, made into alien sushi. He didn't care what, he wanted it gone for what it did to Ianto. 

Jack let out an enraged roar, finding hidden strength that he could have used earlier, and pushed the limb upwards. It tried to cling on but Jack used his shoes too, working on the thing with four limbs even if it was awkward. Unfortunately, the power didn't last long and Jack found his arms beginning to shake and his legs growing weak. The limb slipped a little closer and the Captain beared his teeth, determined to get free. One glance at its hideous face and Jack paled, its maw had opened up revealing lion-like teeth and a throat. It was bringing Ianto closer to it as it fought Jack. He yelled as the thing dangled Ianto above the gaping hole…

A deafening crack alerted Jack - Ianto worryingly not reacting to it- and he turned his head. He squinted, a bright light hitting his eyes from what he remembered was where the door was. A figure stood there and some might have called it their guardian angel or their heavenly saviour but not Jack. His was elsewhere and not likely to be saving hm any longer. Half of him didn't even feel any joy at being saved, not if Ianto wasn't going to be celebrating a rescue with him.

The person stepped forward as another series of bursts echoed in the small room. They were shouting at the alien but Jack couldn't hear them through the slight ringing in his ear. Their weapon (Jack recognised it as his) turned to him but he felt no fear of being shot. When the gun sounded it didn't hit him, instead, it struck the limb in top of him and pushed it off balance with two well aimed shots. It fell off of Jack and he stumbled it his feet, kicking the thick muscle with his boot. He then spat on it and turned to his rescuer. Surprise ran through him as he recognised them.

Efa Tout.

She walked over and tapped Jack's cheek with her hand, looking at him with a stoic face.

"Jack, love, stand sharp. We have your husband to save." He was frozen for a moment as she wandered off and returned with Ianto's gun. Jack took his Webley back, reloading it with the bullets in his pockets. Following Efa's lead, Jack turned and shot at the alien, feeling the rage blossom again in his heart. He could still see Ianto stuck in its hold and it urged him on, wanting to at least have a body to mourn if he truly had been killed by the hellish octopus

The alien itself wailed pitifully and swung a couple of its limb about in a feeble attempt to fight them off and save itself but it proved weak against Torchwood issued firearms and their bullets. It screeched as its slippery flesh sizzled where the bullet had impacted and it began to die. Jack watched it sprinkled and become nothing but ash with an uncaring heart. What he did care about was Ianto's limp form falling through the air as he ran to catch him. A memory flashed in the back of his mind of Jack falling into the Welshman's arms when they had rescued Myfanwy.

This time though, Jack was the one doing.the catching and he didn't want Ianto getting hurt. As Ianto hit into him, Jack stumbled, arms enclosing around his husband securely and bringing him down to the floor with him. Jack landed on his backside, Ianto crumpled on top of him and unmoving. Being gentle as he maneuvered Ianto, Jack hold him so he could see his face.

Ianto's eyes remained wide open and still covered in a thin mist.

Jack let out a small sob, hand cradling the back of his head while his thumb brushed along Ianto's cheek. He then pressed his ear to his chest and held a hand in front of the Archivist's mouth and nose, tips of his fingers pressing to a pulse spot. Nothing. No heartbeat. No breath. No pulse. Jack scrunched his face up, trying his best to force down the emotion that hit him like a train but in loving Ianto, he had sacrificed his ability to turn cold when it came to the man. His hand hovered over his cheek, then his chest, it reached for Ianto's limp hand but stopped, and next went to stroke his forehead. In the end, Jack settled on closing Ianto's eyes, feeling his eyelid move under his hand and no longer gazing down to see frightened but lifeless eyes. Eyes a shade of blue he couldn't seem to find anywhere else and adored.

"Pet? Oh- oh no…" Came Efa's voice behind him but Jack didn't look up, deciding to instead press his forehead to his husband's and shut his eyes. It was easier that way. He didn't have to look, didn't have to see the truth. A palm pushed down on his shoulder and fingers squeezed at the muscle in support before footsteps moved a few paces back. Jack, however, didn't want to move. Moving means opening his eyes and opening his eyes meant seeing Ianto-

No. He wouldn't. He couldn't.

He-

A pair of lips pressed against his and he couldn't cage the whimper that sounded in his throat. A hand, so familiar and so real held itself to his cheek, Jack leaned into it, squeezing his eyes shut tighter as a tear or two escaped.

"Jack." The Captain tensed at the accent, at the beautiful Welsh vowels that filtered into his ears. He still refused to open his eyes, not wanting to face real life. he didn't want whatever tricks his mind was playing on him to stop because they felt so real and so true Jack didn't want to lose them. Not just yet. Not so soon. "Jack- Jack open your eyes for me."

He shook his head, holding tightly to the pinstripe jacket Ianto had on.

"Please? You're crushing me a little." A soft laugh fell from the imaginary lips that Jack could feel ghosting along his cheek. It seemed so very real. The desire to look pulled at him, goaded Jack to open his eyelids and he struggled to hold it back. In fact, he hardly tried at all, letting the need over take him and bring him to open his eyes

It took a second for his vision to focus properly but before him where blue circles. A shade of blue he couldn't seem to find anywhere else and adored. A shade of blue no longer ruined by a cloud or hidden behind lids that would never open again. They were there and a bright as ever and Jack could actually see them. Jack lifted his head up, hands coming to cup soft cheeks then slide down to feel for a pulse, then a heartbeat, and finally a breath. All three were there unlike before.

"Ianto-" Was all he could breath out, overwhelmed with so many emotions at once and then main one being confusion. The man in his arms on the other hand had a small smile on his features, pale like always but no longer paler than death.

"Hey."

"You were…you died!" Ianto's face softened, eyes filling with guilt. He reached up, pressing a soft kiss to Jack's nose.

"I know and I'm sorry." His knuckle brushed along the side of Jack's face. "I think- I think I died multiple times." He confessed and Jack stared at him, having to process what he just heard when Ianto jerked out his grasp and gagged. He choked violently and threw up with no warning, a horrible purple gunk dropping to the floor along with half digested bacon and toast from their breakfast that Jack had cooked him. Jack didn't move straight away, mind still a few seconds behind everything else.

"Wait you-" Jack moved so he was kneeling by Ianto's flank, hand rubbing soothing circles into his husband's back. Ianto continued to bring up slime and food until he was left gagging and choking the last few lingering bits. Soothing him, Jack brought Ianto into a hug, a tight one that he wasn't planning on breaking any time soon. The two stayed like that for a while, Ianto's head tucked into Jack's shoulder and melted into him and Jack planting kisses to anywhere he could reach with two fingers pressed lightly to his pulse just to keep the Captain calm.

"Love, you're going to have to move." Jack's eyes widened slightly, he'd forgotten Efa was here and had helped him take down the alien octopus Tim. Ianto's head rose slightly, exhausted from everything. The old lady appeared at Jack's side, hand brushing his hair. "I know you want- oh. Ianto!"

The Welshman glanced at her and put on his best but tired smile.

"Lovely to see you Ms Tout."

"It's Efa, like I always tell you but how- I'm confused."

"Me too." He mumbled, eyes unable to keep themselves open. " 'm tired." Jack kisses his ear gently, hand brushing through his hair.

"I know Gorgeous. We'll get you home soon." Ianto nodded against his shoulder and collapsed back against him. Jack glanced at Efa who looked baffled but relieved. He was confused too and Jack knew he needs to have a talk with Ianto but that could wait, he wanted to revel in the fact he had his husband back. Maybe their rescue was worth celebrating actually. But for now, Jack had to finish up, he had to call Owen. "Efa? You wouldn't happen to have a mobile phone, would you?"

She nodded, eyes stuck on Ianto who she believed to have been killed by that thing only second ago. Efa handed Jack her mobile and he punched in a few numbers, talked to some man named Owen, and then handed it back. She still had no clue as to what was going on other than she had been on her way to church and Tim hadn't come from out of his house like he usually did. Her first though was that he wasn't able to, Efa knew how frail he was. So she had come to see if he needed any help or an ambulance but what Efa had found was not Tim Delaney but a gigantic octopus and her two favourite people from down the Tourist Office.

Next thing Efa knew, she was shooting at the beast while it had its hold on Ianto and was fighting Jack. She had frankly felt a bit badass, saving the two men with just a gun. Efa had never shot a gun before but she felt more alive like in her youth. Poor pet, she'd watched Jack grieve and had been to late for Ianto, or so she thought. 

Efa was brought from her thoughts at the sound of a heavy vehicle pulling up. Jack glanced behind him too and the through the entrance came three new people. A man (probably that Owen) and two women. She had seen one or two of them with Ianto a couple of times, nice people she knew that. The Japanese lady took one look at the huge purple mass and headed towards it - Efa wondered what she was going to do - and the other two walked towards them. The lady, pale and with a Welsh accent, smiled at Efa and she just knew she had been a cop. She had that air around her and the smile that told her she needed to stay calm and trust the authorities. The man, a londoner by the way he spoke, moved to Jack and Ianto.

"Ms Tout? I'm Gwen Cooper, a friend of Jack and Ianto." Efa nodded, smiling back, hands shaking just a little as the adrenaline wore off and the empty gun was taken from her grasp.. "Would you like to come with me? We can talk over a cup of tea, yeah?"

Jack didn't bother to watch as Gwen led the elderly lady from the house. Owen had performed a minor check up on Ianto and found him fit for duty but just tired and a little dehydrated then the doctor had disappeared off to help Tosh. That left Jack with Ianto. His eyes were all on Ianto who he still cradled close to his chest as the younger man dozed. Jack's hand rubbed soothing circles into his back while his other hand cupped Ianto's and brought it to his lips to softly kiss. Ianto let out a deep sigh and Jack gently brushed his cheek against his soft one. His mind was still haunted by what be saw but just knowing Ianto was okay helped a load more.

It didn't take long for Ianto to fall fully asleep against him and Jack bundled him up as he rose. Then he took Ianto out of the house, past the dead octopus alien, and towards his black Audi. He was taking Ianto home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, and Criticism are always appreciated.  
> Tumblr - @Bee_Haw_Yee_Haw
> 
> Everything is also posted on fanfiction.net

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, Kudos, and Criticism are always appreciated.  
> Tumblr - @drjekyll-is-gay  
> I have a HTTYD discord (none rp) in my tumblr bio, anyone is free to join :)


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